why do i always have to be the bigger person?

the unspoken cost of always being the 'bigger person'.

As the oldest child in my household, I’m constantly expected to be the ‘bigger person.’ It’s like my emotions don’t matter; I can’t even acknowledge them, let alone express how I truly feel. If I do, I’m automatically labeled as immature or dramatic. And it’s not just at home—it’s everywhere. At school, I was always told I should’ve kept my mouth shut, even when I was disrespected. With relatives, I couldn’t talk back, even when I knew I was right. Every single time, I was disrespected but when I tried to stand up for myself, I was silenced and reminded to ‘be the bigger person.’ But why is it that I always have to be the ‘bigger person’ while everyone else gets a free pass?

I rarely get upset or mad. Most of the time, I try my best to stay patient, to keep calm and let things slide. But when I finally reach that breaking point, I know my feelings are valid and I have every right to express them.

After all, we all have emotions and it’s normal to show them from time to time. But why is it that the moment we try to show our discomfort or stand up for ourselves, that’s when people suddenly draw the line? Why is it okay for others to throw their emotions around but when we do, we’re told to suppress?

Despite being disrespected or violated, we're still expected to hold it in, stay composed and once again, be the ‘bigger person.’ It's like there's an unspoken rule that says our feelings don’t matter as much. The second we show any form of frustration or stand up for ourselves, we’re suddenly seen as the problem. How is that fair? Why is it that only certain people can express their emotions freely, while we’re forced to bottle ours up, as if our discomfort is somehow invalid or less important?

All of this only turned me into someone who’s angry all the time. And can you blame me? It’s because everything is just so ridiculously unfair. I think that’s the real downside of being told to be the ‘bigger person’ over and over again. When you’re forced to swallow your feelings, to keep them bottled up inside, that anger doesn’t just disappear. It doesn’t magically resolve itself. Instead, it becomes you. You start carrying it around like a shadow and it seeps into everything.

Eventually, it changes the way you see the world. You start looking at others through this lens of frustration and resentment because you’ve never been given the space to express what’s really going on inside. It’s like you’re constantly waiting for the next thing to set you off because you’ve been conditioned to think your feelings don’t matter. But they do. Each and every one.

Anger is one of those feelings you can hear in the word itself. No matter what language it’s in, the word ‘anger’ just sounds angry. It’s like it carries the weight of the emotion, even before you understand what it means. The way it hits your ears, there’s frustration, tension and that rawness. You can feel it. The word itself is almost charged with the very thing it describes. There’s no softness, no calm in it. Just pure, undeniable heat like it’s been demanding to be heard all along.

All emotions have value—otherwise, we wouldn’t have evolved to feel them. Just like feelings of fear, joy, or sadness, anger helps us to focus on our experience in the world and prepare an appropriate response.

Anger isn't bad. At all. It’s the natural response to being disrespected, ignored or violated over and over again. It’s not this uncontrollable beast. When channeled right, anger is powerful. It gives us the strength to stand up for ourselves, to fight for what’s right and to demand the respect we deserve.

The problem is that society sees anger as a weakness, as something ugly. Why? Why is it that people are okay with showing sadness, fear or even joy but the minute we get angry, we’re suddenly “immature” or “too emotional”? (or you need anger management) It’s like they want us to exist in this emotional vacuum where everything is nice and neat but life isn’t like that. We need to stop acting like anger is something we should hide and start understanding that it’s just as important as any other emotion.

Anger, in its purest form, is a teacher. It’s something deeper. Something that reveals who we really are and what we truly deserve. Anger has made me the person I am today, not because it consumed me but because it showed me the parts of myself I’d been ignoring.

When you get angry, it's a signal. It’s a voice inside saying, “This isn’t right. This isn’t fair.” It’s not random. It doesn’t just happen for no reason (unless you have mental issues). Anger rises when something important is being crossed—boundaries, respect, dignity. And it made me realize how much I deserve, how much worth I’ve been denying myself. Because that’s the thing: when I get something I don’t deserve whether it’s disrespect, mistreatment or neglect, that’s when I feel anger the most. It’s like my body and mind are fighting back, reminding me that I’m worth more.

In that sense, anger isn’t an enemy. It’s a guardian. It guards the parts of me that I might forget to protect on my own. It’s like a force within that refuses to let me settle for less, refuses to let me be okay with things that go against who I am. It teaches me about myself, every single time. It shows me where my boundaries are, where my values lie, and where I need to demand more.

So when people tell me to “let it go” or “be the bigger person,” what they’re really saying is to ignore what I know I deserve. But anger won’t let me do that. It keeps me in check, makes sure I never lose sight of my worth.

---

I’m done with being the “bigger person.” If you disrespect me, don’t expect me to just take it quietly. If you yell at me, don’t be surprised when I yell back. If you hit me, you’re going to get hit back. I believe in letting people taste their own medicine. I’ll reciprocate exactly what you show me.

I’m not interested in suppressing my feelings just to spare your feelings, especially when you had no problem trampling on mine. Why should I be the only one bending over backwards, pretending everything is okay when you’re the one who’s caused the hurt in the first place?

I don’t want to be more mature, kinder or more forgiving than those who disrespect me.

I don’t want to be the saint while others act like demons.

---

PS: When you get a handle on your anger and learn how to control it, that’s a huge blessing. But if you let anger control you, it’s not just a curse for you—it’s a curse for everyone around you too.