"The Universe Is Under No Obligation to Make Sense to You"

But somehow, it made sense to me.

Aug 08, 2024

The cosmos is within us. We are made of star-stuff. We are a way for the universe to know itself — Carl Sagan

I don’t remember exactly when it started but one day, my only fascination became stars and planets. As a kid in primary school, nothing intrigued me like the mysteries of the solar system. Out of nowhere, I began scribbling my name with "astronaut" beside it—“Janani ast.” It was my dream occupation and wherever I wrote my name, there it was, “Janani ast.” I was obsessed with becoming an astronaut and looked up to Kalpana Chawla and Sunita Williams. I told my parents about my dream, but they didn’t seem to take it seriously, almost as if they thought it was laughable for someone like me. I was naive and innocent back then, not fully aware of the reality. It’s funny to think about it now. So, I kept this passion to myself, rarely speaking about it.

I was feeling alienated.

I recall wondering why no one else seemed to care about space as much as I did? I would spend hours on google and Wikipedia, devouring information about every planets, memorizing their moons, and absorbing every fact I could find. Most of the information weren’t in my mother tongue. I wasn’t great at English either, so I had to use google translate to make things simpler for my tiny brain to get. As I grew older, It became easier to understand and my fascination only deepened.

Space—it's both terrifying and awe-inspiring. The idea that we’re on a floating rock in the middle of nowhere, with no apparent reason for our existence, captivated me. The more I thought about it, the more obsessed I became. The realization that we have no concrete reason to exist baffles me each time I look up at the sky. Even now. This obsession consumed me. At one point, it was all I could think about.

You might be wondering if I’m studying any space related fields. Well, I really wanted to be an astronaut; it was my biggest dream since I was a kid. But then reality set in. So, no. I didn’t want to turn my passion into a profession. For one, I couldn’t afford to pursue it. Astronomy and astrophysics or any related field aren't really that developed in my country. If I want to further my studies in one of these areas, I’d have to go to a first world country. Additionally, it felt wrong to earn money from something I love so deeply.

Jobs are meant to be hated, and I didn’t want to hate the one thing that means everything to me.

However, this realization altered my perspective on life. My entire view shifted as I learned about the insignificance of our existence. We’re tiny specks in an infinite universe, akin to bacteria in a drop of water. Life seemed meaningless—a concept humans created to feel important. In the grand scheme, our issues—wars, divisions over gender, race, religion—seem trivial. Like why are we fighting over this and making such a big issue out of it? Why all the hatred? We’re all part of one big family in a home called Earth!

Then, my frustration grew as I realized how complicated life has become, causing us to forget our connection to the universe. We’ve created a society that keeps us so busy, we hardly have time to admire the cosmos. Light pollution means we can’t see the parts of our own galaxy, unlike our ancestors who could gaze at the night sky in its full splendor. It’s sad.

But sometimes, this brings me down so much that I’ve even felt ~~suicidal~~, as if my disappearance would make no difference—like an ant being squished. This thought made me cold and indifferent, as I struggled to find meaning. I lost interest in societal norms and the need to fit in. Every time I wanted to wake up and follow the daily routines or do anything that society considers normal, I’d question it all. The word “why” would pop into my head with every action. Why does it matter? Why am I doing this? Why am I doing that? I was going insane. Literally.

Yet, somehow my obsession with space became my motivation. School, good grades—everything was for space. I didn’t want to stop existing before I had the chance to experience the universe to its fullest. That would be a shame.

I’m made of stardust, and I don’t want that to go to waste without experiencing the universe to its fullest.

I became so engrossed in my obsession that I consumed every piece of space related content I could find. The only things keeping me sane are self-teaching physics and all the basics of astrophysics. Due to my financial situation, I couldn’t do more—no books, no telescope, no formal studies in astronomy or astrophysics.

Despite these, my goal is simple: to experience and understand the universe every single day. Without formal education in astrophysics, I need financial stability first—enough to hire a tutor and connect with like-minded people. I can't wait for the day. Also, I dream of having a partner who shares my passion, someone to stargaze with, discuss space and watch interstellar every weekend.

Now, as a 20 years old with an unhealthy obsession with space, I know some might think I’m strange. But trust me, I’m perfectly normal. I rarely share my inner feelings, and finding someone who shares my passion is rare. The internet has been my lifeline, keeping my enthusiasm alive. I’ve felt isolated for so long and still am. Maybe my life would have been different if I had been born in a place that valued this passion or had more opportunities in it.

I’ve never had a place to vent about this, so I hope sharing this doesn’t seem strange. I just want to be heard. I’m in love with space and want to live fully because I’m grateful to feel, understand, and witness the universe. Typing this brings tears to my eyes, overwhelmed by the emotions space brings. This obsession is my life’s purpose and I won’t stop until I’ve experienced the universe in every way I’ve dreamed.

Personally, I don’t get why my passion for space should seem weird. It’s the people who aren’t into it who seem odd to me. How can you not feel curious or excited when you look up at the sky? How do you not follow space news? Aren’t you a bit amazed or even unsettled by the fact that we’re on a tiny rock called Earth?

Also, I often wonder why more people don’t take an interest in the cosmos. It’s like we’re surrounded by so many distractions and superficial beliefs that the beauty of the universe gets lost in the noise. We’re caught up in the rush of daily life, focused on things that might not even matter in the grand scheme. Social media, trends and the endless chase for validation have taken over, leaving little room for curiosity about what’s beyond our world. It’s sad to think that we’re so consumed by these surface level things that we forget to look up and appreciate the vastness of space.

If only we could strip away these distractions and take a moment to truly see the universe for what it is—an endless source of awe and wonder. We’re lucky to have evolved with the ability to understand and learn about the cosmos, yet only few of us actually take the time to do so. It’s as if we’ve forgotten our place in the universe.

But I’m happy to be the ‘weird’ one. Yeah, I love stars, planets and everything up there.

Fast forward to now, I finally decided to share my space obsession with the world. I started a space newsletter on WordPress where I share all my passion, random thoughts and facts about the universe. It’s called The Infinite Desk and it’s my little spot on the internet to connect with other space nerds.

If you’ve ever been even a little curious about the stars, planets or just want to read something interesting, you should totally check it out. I post space news, facts and my own reflections about the cosmos. You can click the button below to subscribe:

The Infinite Desk

And honestly, it would mean everything to me if you joined me on this one.

This newsletter is the only place where I feel like I can talk about something that matters so much to me. If even one person reads it, it would literally make my day.

Love,

Janu