"i'm not like the other girls"
on not fitting into the 'girly' box: human first, girl second and i'm over it!
I see girls/women around me embracing their “femininity” you know, the typical “girly” things that, if you’re born with XX chromosomes, you’re expected to do? Yeah. To name a few: loving shopping, obsessing over skincare routines, getting excited about manicures and pedicures, organizing things in a cute way (like planners or journals), constantly talking about crushes or relationships, being super into selfies, following beauty influencers, having a thing for cute accessories like scrunchies or sparkly jewelry, and decorating rooms with plush toys or cute pillows. There’s nothing wrong with enjoying those things, but if that’s what’s considered being “feminine,” then I guess I’ve failed—because I don’t partake in 90% of it.
My favorite color is brown or neutral, not the typical pastels or pinks. I do online shopping once in a while but only when my clothes are torn apart or I’ve grown out of them. And I don't dress up. I’ve never done manicures or pedicures because my nails are clean and healthy, so why bother? I use google’s calendar to plan because I can integrate it across all my devices and I don’t journal because I don’t want my life inked on paper for eternity—plus, journals are expensive. Sure, I talked about crushes and relationships when I was 16, but that’s because my friends were obsessed with it and I was influenced. As for accessories, I’ve got a necklace my mom bought me with my initial on it and a tub of hair ties. Oh, and my bedroom? It’s a mental asylum—stark, no decorations. If these choices make me less “feminine,” then so be it. But does that really define who I am?
So, is what we wear or how we present ourselves what defines being “feminine”? Because I’ve been questioned, shamed and looked down upon for not fitting into this box called “femininity.” A typical me? I’m a girl with a bun or ponytail, wearing a baggy shirt and track bottoms or long pants. At home? Pajamas (Lol). I wash my face with water because I focus on eating healthy so my skin and body will also be healthy. I don't really care or throw money on beauty products. My relatives and friends LOVE to ask me, “You’re a girl, why can’t you dress like one?” or “Why don’t you wear any makeup?” The best one I’ve heard is, “Are you trying so hard to be a ‘pick me’?” (which is hilarious because the term ‘pick me’ is constantly misused).
Femininity isn’t a fixed set of essential traits, but rather a concept that defines and organizes gender-related practices and relationships. It’s socially constructed, meaning that society creates and reinforces these ideas of what it means to be “feminine.” We’re taught from a young age what is “acceptable” for girls—whether it’s how we should dress, behave or the things we should be interested in. These ideas don’t come from some natural law, they come from generations of norms passed down, shaped by culture, media and societal expectations. So, when people say that a girl should act a certain way to be feminine, they’re just repeating what society has conditioned us to believe. In reality, there’s no one way to “be a woman”—it’s all about personal expression.
I’m 20 years old and a ‘certified why-er’, so the more I look into it, the more useless and ridiculous all of it seems. I mean, 99% of the things mentioned above—or what’s considered the norm—exist because that’s how capitalism works, right? The fashion and beauty industries wouldn’t be thriving if it weren’t for these standards and constructs we’ve been fed. And we sit around complaining about inflation, but we’re actively contributing to it by buying into these ideals. Just think about the money we could save by not catering to these expectations?Imagine using that money to actually satisfy our inner selves, doing things that genuinely make us happy. If buying makeup and dresses is what truly brings you joy, nice but take a moment to ask yourself, are they really worth it? We all need to train ourselves to not be so easily influenced because, in the age of social media, it’s like we’re all possessed. We probably need an exorcism to snap out of it.
Why do you only feel beautiful when you’ve put on makeup or dressed a certain way? It’s because that’s what you were told and shown growing up. From a young age, we’ve been conditioned to believe that our value is tied to our appearance. So, your sense of satisfaction often comes from how you look, not from how you feel when you’re not catering to other people’s expectations. You might say, “I do it for myself!,” and sure, that’s valid. But ask yourself this: If makeup and dressing up weren’t so normalized and admired by others, would you still feel the need to do it? If society didn’t praise those who fit certain beauty standards, would you care as much? The truth is, many of the things we do “for ourselves” are deeply rooted in a desire for validation, even if we don’t realize it. It’s not a crime to want to look good, but it’s important to recognize when you’re doing it because that’s what you’ve been taught to believe makes you worthy. True confidence and self-worth come from embracing who you are, beyond society’s superficial standards.
I’ve barely been noticed or approached by anyone for as long as I can remember, even when I was a little girl. Maybe that’s why I think and reason the way I do. When you’re cornered and left alone your whole life, you have no one to influence you but yourself. And honestly, I’m grateful for those moments. I’m not doing any of this for the “male gaze” or even for myself because truthfully, I don’t see the need for it. If I’m being true to myself and want to love who I am when I look in the mirror, I’ll just be... me. The “me” that defines my existence is my inner self, not how I look or what I wear. My external self is just a vessel—it’s here to function properly so I can survive, not something I need to constantly change or beautify to feel worthy. I don’t feel self-love when I alter my appearance in the name of “self-care” or “self-love.” True love for myself comes when I accept my internal self, as I am, without trying to conform to what society expects me to be. The more I think about it, the clearer it becomes how messed up our society has gotten and I don’t want to partake in EVERYTHING it expects of me.
The feminism movement began as a fight for equality and many women have fought hard for the progress we see today. While it’s true that we’ve moved beyond catering solely to men’s desires and being sexualized 24/7, are we truly achieving the movement’s objective of equality? Even now, it seems like we’re still trapped in a bubble created for women. We’re expected to fit into a box; if we don’t, we risk being outcasted. Historically, women were objectified for their bodies, and it feels like we’re still stuck focusing on our bodies as a measure of our worth.
For example, I’m often told I dress like a man simply because I don’t show skin. But why should I have to? (I just love the word “why” lol) I prefer to dress in a way that keeps me comfortable, whether that’s to avoid being cold or to avoid attracting bugs. I don’t want to be eye candy for the so-called “male gaze.” In my experience, if you don’t conform to traditional femininity, men often make fun of you and won’t even recognize you as a human being (It makes me happy because I’m pushing back against their narrow view of “women”).
When I dress to cover my body, I’m told to embrace my curves and dress more “like a woman.” Why is it that being a woman is equated with showing skin? This issue isn’t limited to Western societies; it’s also prevalent in Asia. Despite the spread of feminism and women’s rights, many places still see women oppressed. Here, women are often expected to cover up, but for the wrong reasons. It’s as if a woman’s body is a possession that only her husband should see. (eww)
I cover my body not because I want to make a statement but because I find it practical. And I don't make a huge deal out of it as those days men made a huge deal out of women's body and it still is a big deal everywhere despite the freedom we have now. I wear clothes for their intended purpose, not as a tool to assert power or attract attention. Regardless of what women wear, they can still face violation and judgment. I look forward to the day when clothing choices aren’t such a big deal, when people respect each individual’s comfort without making assumptions or calling them insecure (always come from another woman). If someone prefers not to show skin, it doesn’t mean they’re insecure—it just means they value their privacy and they simply don’t care to use their body to feel powerful.
I think it's very important to remember that there's no right or wrong way to be a woman. – Emma Watson
Because of all of this mess, everything has become about how you present yourself on the outside. We LOVE boxes. If someone is out of the box they are labelled weird and outcasted or questioned for their choices and their sexuality. People DO judge a book by its cover, and it seems inevitable given how we’re wired. When it comes to relationships, it’s often about how you look. For jobs, looks can sometimes outweigh intelligence, at least in many cases. I can already imagine some of you rolling your eyes (valid), but this is coming from my personal experience. I’ve been nagged so much about my appearance that I can’t help but let it all out. Maybe even if just one or two people can relate to what I’m saying, that’s enough for me. If you don’t agree, that’s your choice—these are my observations and opinions based on where I’m coming from and what I’ve been through. This isn’t just about personal frustration; it’s about recognizing a broader societal issue that affects us all in different ways.
So, yes “I'm not like the other girls” I will say it proudly. Personally, I want to be intellectually attractive not sexually attractive which is overrated. I crave when people compliment my intellectual not my face or body (thank you bullies!). I want to be loved because of my way of thinking and the knowledge I have not because how big my boobs or butt is. I want to have friends who wants to discuss deep topics not someone who invite me to beauty parlour every 2 weeks. Because how many women who had no chance to gain knowledge about the world those days when they had no rights, since I have the chance now which many women's dreams at one point, I don't want to let it go. I want to gain knowledge, academically or otherwise, for as long as I live. And I will.
I'm a human first, a girl second. If this make a ‘pick me’, so be it. It’s funny because I’m not an object to be picked.
These posts are related, so give them a read if you liked this one;
it seems there’s *never* a way to do right as a woman: you are too much of one thing or too much of the other, never enough in anything. thanks to have talked about how we all are always seen just as a body, nothing more than that
Love this. People want liberation but fail to see the prison of their own minds and conditioning. It’s not as if people haven’t been wrongly stereotyped and oppressed based on their race or gender but at some point I think it’s necessary to become less attached from these labels or you end up a caricature who only sees other caricatures, and fail to see people for who they really are.
I don’t really relate to being a man. I don’t not relate to being a man. Calling myself non-binary or gender fluid just feels like I am playing into other people’s ideas about what men and women should be.
People stereotype me from time to time and that’s unavoidable, if I adopt a new label they’ll find a new way to stereotype me. The stereotypes can be useful for statistics and marketing, I don’t think it’s healthy to eagerly label yourself.
Be whatever you want, you are a universe unto yourself